Tales of the Not-So-Round Table
by Majin Blues
Summary: As of the past several months I have been playing Pathfinder with our little group of misfits. Some of the events that happened are hilarious or rage inducing. This includes moments from past to current adventures to make sure we cover all the great moments in our games. So I will be posting these misadventures here for your enjoyment.
1. Tavos and Prinnyland

Chapter 1

Tavos and Prinnyland

A certain overlord called to arms any adventurers who would be willing/dumb enough to go put down a rebellion made by the lowly servants, the Prinnies. The reason this overlord was looking for someone to do this was because of two reasons. The first being that he didn't feel like doing it himself. The second was if he didn't at least attempt an effort his angelic vassal would bother him to no end by preaching about responsibility and love for his subjects. So when a group of suckers, erh, adventurers showed up to his summons he couldn't have been happier.

To his dismay however his vassal offered to guide the group. Upon crossing the individual who was in charge of the dimensional portal the angel exchanged words with the person who just nodded and gestured towards the whirling vortex with a blank expression. The group, along with their guide, emerged from the other side of the worm hole to see a world like none other. Instead of the dreary and dark atmosphere had grown accustomed to they were faced with brilliant colors, light, and penguin like structures and buildings.

The adventurers only took two steps when they encountered a bunch of penguin like life forms. They were about three feet tall, had peg legs, disproportionate bat wings and googily eyes. It was only seconds before they were surrounded however they had not drawn any weapons yet. The angel was about to use her diplomacy skills that even made the overlord a little softer, not that he would ever admit it, when the penguin she had been trying to talk to dropped dead to the ground with a bolt between its eyes.

"I told you dood! They're in league with the overlord, dood!" One of them shouted and the rest responded by readying themselves with knifes and daggers in hand.

The one who fired the bolt was none other than the group's only rogue, Tavos. While he was an excellent pickpocket and his skills for stealth were solid, the human rogue lacked the one thing that makes a decent rogue an expert rogue. That one crucial trait was patience. The remaining adventurers drew their weapons and prepared for an onslaught of blood, limbs, and foes. Some with excitement for a chance at glory while the other members did so with dread and prayed that they would survive the battle.

Hours later, their guide was tending their wounds before returning back to overload's home to recover for a second encounter with the Prinnies. The rogue at least had the decency to stare at the ground in shame and embarrassment as it was his hasty decision to attack the demonic penguins before assessing their numbers and ability. It was on this day that Tavos would be remembered in the Netherworld and by his party as an eccentric rogue with a tendency to stab first, shoot second, slice third, and ask questions fourth.


	2. Leere Nacht the Rogue for Hire

Chapter 2

Leere Nacht the Rogue for Hire

A band of four were currently exploring the depths of a dungeon in the middle of a mountain. Said group had adventurers of every walk of life; a dwarf, an elf, a halfling, and a human. This tale is about the human in this party. He went by the name of Leere Nacht, and by his very nature he tended to stingy on assisting his temporary companions. As they explored further into ever expanding cavern the group nearly ran into a fifty foot cliff with no alternative ways of walking past the obstacle.

The party members tried to throw a rope up the side of the cliff and begin to climb or rather they attempted to anyway. This continued onward for nearly an hour as Leere stood back and watched the others futilely attempt to scale the obstacle and continue onward for their quest. The dwarf gave up after another half hour had passed with no success for himself or the other two members. They began to fuss at the rogue who simply rolled his eyes as he got to his feet to make his way to the cliff.

Taking measure of the said obstacle he deftly drew his own rope with a hook attached at the end and threw it with some effort. When rope did not grow slack or give any indication of it falling back to its own he smirked at his temporary companions. Growing excited the others raced towards the instrument of hope only to be stopped by its owner. Leere held out his hand and began rubbing his index and thumb together making both the elf and dwarf dissatisfied while the halfling tilted it's head in confusion.

"That will be fifty gold pieces per person otherwise you go nowhere," the rogue announced. The rest of the party was angered by this naturally however they realized they could be there all day and had the same amount of success they had prior to Leere's first and only attempt at securing a means of continuing forward. Once again the other grumbled as they handed over the rogue's fee for his assistance all the while stating they would never hire him again if they could help it.

The party finally conquered the cliff and what met them was a black dragon with scales dark as a moonless night. They prepared to charge forward and meet their foe head on in a battle they would tell and retell for years to come or simply become the next batch of would be heroes that failed to vanquish this magical beast like all the others before them. They, however, failed to realize that their comrade in arms had slipped back down the cliff with gold in hand as he made his way to the nearest tavern to celebrate his latest job's completion.

His 'patrons' were never heard from again.


	3. Steve the NPC and the Unbluffable

Steve the NPC and the Unbluffable

With the fall of warrior moogle the party was in desperate need of another adventurer. It was during a routine trip at the local markets that they discovered a rather peculiar individual. In front of the smithy shop stood a non-distinctive human gunslinger, who had hopes of opening his own gun shop but lacked the funds to do so. Thinking this was a golden opportunity they offered the man a place in their party and learned his name was Steve the NPC. "When my shop opens my prices will floor ya." Needless to say they were having second thoughts.

They encountered many enemies during their initial test. While the human could handle himself in combat, excluding the several times his 'blunderbuss' (aptly named mind you) backfired, Steve lacked common sense and his commentary on the events that happened to them made it where others did what the kids these days called 'face palming.' Figuring the first dungeon was a decent test of their newest member's skill they decided to allow the gunslinger to join on their true expedition which happened to be requested by the town council because of the strange occurrences that have been taking place in the last few months.

The following day Steve the NPC let loose a shot from his weapon exclaiming "My arms are literally to die for! Shop Smart, shop S-Mart!" Which was met by a collective groan from his companions. Smiling he led the way to a dark stairway however one of the party's rogues was able to determine that behind one of the walls stood something that seemed to be different from the rest of the ruins they had been exploring. The party decided to split up leaving Steve the NPC, the rogue that discovered something was beyond the wall, and a barbarian.

In his infinite wisdom the gunslinger declared to the wall, "You are not a wall!" (This caused the DM to look at the player and ask if the player was being serious to which the player responded that this was the character's play style). Silence echoed after this leading the rogue to temporary knock out the human and began hacking the way through deteriorating wall.


	4. Espada Leviatan and Birds

Espada Leviatan and Birds

This particular story begins with a 4'11" kitsune fighter from Kamigawa. Her name was Leviatan and she was with a party, one of note was Tavos from our first story. They were hired to investigate the mystery of the magical woods that happened to border a kingdom full of non-human hating citizens. The fact that they wouldn't allow her in town isn't necessary to the story but it may illustrate the female humanoid fox wasn't in the best of moods. So their guide to the woods would often let his disdain for the group show as he was surrounded his 'charges' which consisted of a elven rogue, a pixie alchemist who rode on top of her prinny servant ( a reward earned from actually completing the first adventure), a nekomata barbarian, human cleric, and human fighter along with Leviatan.

Now it is important to point out during her time away from her first party, as they became known as the "C-Nation," she left to do some bodyguard work. Her name was recognized and her twin adamantine katanas had garnered quite a bit of envy to those who saw them. So on one scheduled job she had been ambushed and consequently defeated. She had become a hollow and came back to get her vengeance. Leviatan dealt with the murderers and reclaimed her prized weapons.

Now we return to our current adventure to see a more impatient Kitsune, which had turned arrancar by this point and had changed her to Espada Leviatan, trying to keep her calm as the human guide continued to spout his human supremacist rants to the point Tavos buried his hidden daggers deep within the human's skull and thus meeting the requirements to become an assassin. Though that is another story for another time.

The party comes across a merchant wagon that had been attacked and looted. The human fighter was able to deduce that there had been use of crude axes during the attack as well as short swords or knives. However there were birds of prey preparing to swoop down on the corpse of the dead horse that carried the wagon as well as the fresh meat before them. Needing to let loose and purge herself of all her anger the newly renamed Espada Leviatan rose her arm and uttered a warning to the others to back away from the wagon and her. Once they were behind her she worn a feral grin as she was about to let out her frustration with never before seen, by anyone she had known, attack.

"Cero," the fox folk turned hollow said as a flash of light blue energy shot out from her hand and tore through the wagon, birds, and portions of scorched earth. When the light faded nothing remained of the horse, birds, cart, and a good portion of steaming earth.

After recovering from the spectacle the nekomata marched up to kitsune and shook her in fury. "We could have figured out who attacked the merchant and it could possibly have led to a clue on how to enter the forest! But you not only destroyed the cart and any possible tracks the culprits might have left."

The now arrancar kitsune simply stared up at the barbarian with no semblance of regret and forcibly removed the nekomata's hands from her shoulders. She turned and walked towards the direction to where she assumed the assailants fled to and said over her shoulder to where the party still stood. "I hate birds." Leaving the others dumbfounded and the prinny shivered in fear for it's future.


	5. Brad The Fighter

Brad the Fighter

At the remote town of Southshore a festival was being held for the Deity Desna as she was their patron goddess. It was during this event that a certain human stumbled upon the town and partook of the local ale, which he did not know, that was quite potent. This human was named Brad the Fighter. He was known back in his homeland to punch and stab all of his problems away and was also quite the womanizer so he continuously worked out to maintain his ripped 230lb 6'1" frame.

The ale hit the human with the force of a titan's fist and he was considerably drunk by the time he actually arrived at the tavern to meet with the wandering adventurers. The rogue who had been nursing his drink heard a disturbance outside and alerted the others about it so the group hastily rushes out to confront whatever it is that was interrupting the celebration only to see a hoard of goblins with dog slicers.

The elven monk and human rogue easily dispatched their targets but the one who drew everyone's attention was the tall fighter. The man's intent was to draw his 2 handed bastard sword however he picked up in his drunken state a broom. The battle was put on hold as everyone from the goblins who were the instigators to the collection of warriors who stood at the ready to face their advisories stopped to look at the drunken man and start laughing at him.

In his rage Brad took out his aggression on the nearest offending goblin by cleaving it half. The goblin's expression was a mixture of joy and disbelief as the remains fell apart from opposite sides. Both sides took note to not enrage the drunken human, if he was that deadly with a household tool then he could be devastating with an actual weapon.

EX Event- Brad had gained recognition with the townsfolk and the attention of local single females of Southshore. One such asked the fighter to help clear out some oversized rats at her father's shop in the basement. Lacking common sense or perhaps he was not thinking clearly as a pair enchanting eyes and the promise of certain "assets" made the male agree. The father returns back to the shop to see a half clothed Brad and his daughter downstairs and takes offense to this.

The fighter awakes a few days later at a cell with multiple bruises and concussions alone. The first thought to come to him was that he needed a stiff drink to forget about the girl that caused him to be where he was now.


	6. Dina'e, Acrobatic Killer

Dina'e, Acrobatic Killer

Hired by a merchant from Never Winter, along with three other adventurers, was a Tiefling Rogue who might have looked like a galactic emperor in another series. This tiefling had experience with removing particular individuals from various circles from around the world but she had one particular flaw... she liked to perform over the top kills. Such feats are frowned upon by beings of the underworld but this never stopped her before. So when the party ran into an ambush set up by goblins she could have easily dispatched one with ease but that was not her style. Instead she hopped from narrow rock base to another up a steep incline only botch her landing when attempting to flip over the crude creature and back stab the little beady eyed beast with her short sword. The result was catastrophic for the hired killer as not only had she fell flat on her back at the bottom of the hill but she was officially pinned down by one of the archers.

After the battle ended and much rest the group find themselves in a cavernous dungeon and somehow she managed to almost down a goblin general had it not moved during her shot. With the thing critically wounded Dina'e attempted to round house kick the general only for the goblin to recover and use her momentum against her to send the tiefling into a fire pit. Someone else finished off the little beast, possibly the second rogue. Denied her kill she kip upped out of the flames and somersaulted over one of the remaining cave dwelling monsters and drove her knife to the hilt through the monster's skull.

During her last encounter of the dungeon Dina'e was blocked off from the fight as two other adventurers, whom they saved along the way, so she cartwheeled past them successfully gaining entry into the battle. Unfortunately as she flung her dagger from her sheath the momentum carried the weapon in the direction of comrades. While no one there could deny her actual skill as an acrobatic individual with a taste for showmanship, none would try bother to remember her as she fell victim of the bugbear controlling the goblins (especially the victim/ally who had a blade lodged in their chest).


	7. Isha, Girl Scout of Cthulhu

Isha, Girl Scout of Cthulhu

Three adventurers stood in the midst of battle, one was Drow Necromancer, another was Fairy Tale like Dragon Slayer of light magic whose soul was bound like to yet a different dragon (which should make for interesting roleplaying if the player would actually try having fun with that instead choosing it stat leveling...), and a human sorcerer. Now this was no normal human sorcerer, this was a fourteen year old girl with a pony tail, dressed in her best armor... her bright green girl scout uniform.

The other two members of the party were doing what they did best; stabbing monsters, turning them into pin cushions with arrows and/or bolts, summoning skeletons, and other things of that nature. What the others did not expect to see was the little girl floating a foot in the air calling forth ancient energies most of the living world did not know or had forgotten about with the passage of time. When she released the spell she had been casting everyone stopped mid action as she conjured phantasmal skeletal limbs as they clawed upward from the earth. More chilling words were issued from her lips as she commanded the limbs to claw back into the ground only then to pierce straight through her targets' hearts and their still struggling bodies.

To say both her allies were surprised would be an understatement. The little girl giggled as she skipped to one dead creature to the next to inspect her handiwork. "Yes, that should be enough for the Phantasmal Impalement Badge," the girl scout squealed with sinister joy which was then covered up by a giggle. Later the three would run into two other adventurers who happened to hate all demi-humans. With a smile she caused the two of them to go mad with insanity as they attempted to kill each for her approval. The victor then tried to take her life only to be sliced to ribbons as she somehow managed to claw him.

When the day was done the Dragon Slayer mustered the determination to ask the one question her two party had wondered about all day. "What in the seven hells are you?"

She titled her head to the side in confusion for a moment. "I'm just Isha, girl scout of Cthulhu," she said with an innocent smile all the while pulling out some string, a needle, and new merit badge and sewing it into her sash. "Oh, almost got enough for the 'spread madness and chaos' badge!" Isha exclaimed making the Dragon Slayer cringe a little.


	8. Lapilalo, Bane of Frogs

Lapilalo, Bane of Frogs

This story is about a halfling monk (he looked a lot like a lalafell from Final Fantasy XIV). Originally he was supposed to be a virtually useless adventurer as I had initially rolled his scores and took the first outcome possible no matter how bad they were, after all I was aiming to make a Krillin like character here. Unfortunately that campaign never took off so this incarnation never saw the light of day. Then adventure league 5e happened and I thought this would be a good time to revive this lalafell, erm, halfling monk with the worst stats in Str and Int.

Next was his background, I thought entertainer would be perfect as it provided additional levels of hilarity (to me). So Lapilalo now demands attention always be on him and will take reckless actions like kicking down doors, springing any trap he came upon to show off his excellent reflexes by dodging them, drop kicking enemies from thirty feet or higher, engaging enemies while shouting "Handsaw is ready!" (Totally stole that from Randy Savage but since Lapilalo is half the man Macho was, all pun intended, Bonesaw was to cool for the little guy hence Handsaw). I was going to multi-class with one of the spell caster selections so where ever he went he would have Dancing Lights but decided against it after some thought. I wanted him to stand out like Hercule but without the flashy "tricks."

During one of the final fights on the very first floor of an ancient Dragon Castle there was an evil tree than was controlling three humans and summoning monstrous evil branches it summoned a giant monster frog. While the others were dealing with humans, Lapilalo was dealing with the other enemies. Being the only combatant near the thing the frog whipped it's tongue swallowing the half sized adventurer in one go. Lapilalo, while in the frog, sat in deep thought (as well of other things) trying to think of a way out of this predicament. However thinking wasn't his strong point so the his conclusion was a rather simple solution... "I'll kick my way out of the frog!"

So, with disadvantage, he managed to perform a double Guile like flash kick from inside the beast so hard that he burst out with a loud pop. Naturally this stunned his fellow adventurers and he got the spotlight he craved for the time being. So if your party is ever going into a dungeon, raid, or expedition across an areas with frogs you may want this level three Halfling Monk who is known as Lapilalo, "Bane of Frogs."


End file.
